Today was the worst day of my whole life.  I'm not being extreme either when I say that.  I went to the orphange I was placed at and I found out some good information but I also found out some stuff that I would have been better off not knowing. 

It turns out I wasn't an abandoned baby, they just wrote that to protect my birth mother.  They say they have information on her such as her name and her birthdate.  But because she never filled out any "offical" paper work they said that she could have given the clinic a fake name and birthdate.  As it turns out I have my mother's family name, not my father's like every one else.  Because of the privacy law here in Korea they couldn't tell me either of those except that I was born at Midwives Clinic in Incheon City and that my mother was 24 years old at the time in Korean age, so she would have been 23 American age. 

The lady who was reviewing my records didn't say anything about my father though and now I realize why.  Because when I asked if they had information on my father that's when my world and everything that I have ever known or even assumed changed.  I think she was hoping that I wouldn't ask that because she knew the information from my mother's story was fucked up.  Not like fucked up in the sense that the information was wrong but fucked up in the sense of what they did was fuckin wrong and messed up.  I now know why I was adopted. 

It's funny, I had this whole thing planned out.  I knew exactly what I wanted to ask her if we ever met, I already had the first question picked out and I found the answer out without even having to talk to her.  Part of me still wants to meet her and my father but now I'm not so sure.  What would I say?  I don't know if there's anything that can be said.  After hearing what I heard today, I think I would be able to live my life and honestly say I'm glad I never met her. Like I said though, a part of me still wants to meet her but it's more out of curiosity.  I'm curious to see what she looks like, what her personalitiy is like, how she will react around me.  I'm curious to see how she feels about it, if she ever thinks about it and the what ifs.   

Tomorrow, well today cause it's 4:30AM Wednesday morning, I'm gonna go to the orphange that I was placed at when I was a baby, Korea Social Services.  I can't sleep cause I'm nervous.  No idea of what I might find, something might be good but it could also be bad.  I know I should sleep but I can't...I dunno what to expect.  Wish I knew. 

It's funny because I never thought that I would be able to come back to Korea and if I did, I didn't even think about going to the orphange I was placed at.  Never even really thought about it.  Thought about it a few times in high school but wasn't really serious about it.  In high school I hated being "Asian."  I wanted nothing to do with Asian people let alone Korea.  It wasn't until my freshman year in college, fall of 2002, that I realized that being Asian wasn't bad.  I met a Taiwanese guy named Tim Wu and he was the one who I guess taught me about being Asian.  It wasn't until I met Wu that I realized being Korean was ok and that there was nothing to be ashamed of.  I know I haven't said this, but Tim, if you read this, thank you.  In high school I was the Korean kid who wished he was white.  Now, I'm proud to Asian and I actually like not being white.  My whole perspective on who I am and life has changed since high school. 

My parents wanted me to go Gustavous, Southwest State or Bemiji State rather than the Univeristy of Minnesota.  Growing up in a small town they said that it would be too big, said I wouldn't like it at all and they thought I was crazy for wanting to go to a school so big that I knew nothing about other than the athletics teams.  Looking back on that, I knew I made the right decision and when you think about it, that one single decision has changed my life so much.  If it wasn't for that one decision I wouldn't be where I am right now.  For sure I wouldn't be in Korea and I bet I'd still be going what the fuck is Asian?  As a kid in high school I never really made wise decisions and I think that's why my parents questioned my coming to the U and questioned my coming to Korea.  Hopefully they see how much I've grown and appreciate it. 

Well today is the big day.  I shouldn't expect too much but at the same time I can't help but expect at least something.  Hopefully this will help me and who knows, maybe bring a little closure for me.  I figure it's worth a shot and since I'm in Korea I might as well.  All I've ever know is America and yes America is home but something about being here also feels like home. 

The weeks just keep flying by.  I remember when it was Monday last week and then all the sudden it's Friday and now we're back to Monday.  It's good and it's bad.  It's good because I know that I'm enjoying myself out here which is great but it's bad because I know that means there won't be much time left. 

For some reason I'm kinda starting to miss home.  I found myself calling my parents on Saturday just to talk.  Back at home I would never do that.  I mean I would call but that was just so they knew I was ok but never "just to talk."  Kinda starting to question this whole transfer thing again.  But in the end I know that if it's possible financially and if I get accepted I'll probably transfer. 

Got a call from the adoption agency today, Korea Social Services.  It was weird...I don't know why but it felt strange.  I'm excited but at the same time I'm kinda nervous and don't really know if I wanna go there anymore.  I mean I do because I'm excited to see where I was put and so it's kind of like uncovering the past a little bit.  Hopefully I'll find something useful there but who knows.  It's been over 20 years since I was adopted so I don't know how much information they can actually remember, let alone give me.  I figure I should go and in a way, I kind of need to go. 

Well I think I've finally made my decision on whether or not to transfer.  Right now if I can financially do it I will transfer.  I feel a lot better about it now than I did a few weeks ago. 

My parents support me and my two best friends from back home support me so that helped make my decision.  I'll never forget this though and this is what true friends are.  They told me you know, we'll always be here, your friends will always be there for you and you're doing what you gotta do and we respect you for that.  Those right there are true friends.  It also helps that my parents support me which was a pleasant surprise.  Being an adopted Korean American, my whole upbringing has been American.  I've never had the chance to experience anything Korean and now that I have the chance to experience the Korean side of it, I'm gonna take it because it's either now or never.  I will probably never get this chance again and so I can't pass it up because once I do, there's no turning back. 

Yeah Minnesota is nice and yeah it's home but this also feels like home.  I'm around people like me, they look like me and so I blend in.  I don't have to deal with people looking at my funny and treating me different because I'm Asian.  I don't have to deal with people calling me Asian, none of that shit.  Out here in Korea, I'm no more no less than anyone else.  I fit in, never really experienced that where I just fit in with everybody.   It's a nice feeling.

Wow...been a while since I wrote in this thing.  Well I've been in Korea for a little over two months now.  Can't really complain about a lot here other than I still blow at communicating.  I know I've only been here for a couple months but it's still hard as hell to figure out what people are saying let alone formulate a response.  Basically I know enough to get by on my own now so I don't have to have someone holding my hand.  Nothing seems to make a whole lotta sense and I'm starting to get frustrated as hell.  Don't really feel like I've learned or am learning anything cause nothing seems to make sense yet.  Bits and pieces yes but not enough to guess or fully comprehend what people are saying to me and I feel like an idiot and Korean people look at me like I'm one.  I know I probably should try harder and try more often but it's hard cause everyone here expects me to know how to speak and read just like them but I can't.  

Met a guy named Scott from New York.  Real nice kid and I give him props for trying to speak all the time.  His accent is pretty shitty and doesn't always say the right things but he's trying.  It kinda sucks when I'm with him though because all the Korean people are looking at me like ok you can start translating any time now.  For him it's easy to try and speak because he's white and so Korean people are just like oh he's white, he's trying, we get a good laugh outta it.  But when I speak and shit doesn't come out right...they look at me with this look of disgust and kind of alienate me.  Not everyone does that but there are always the assholes.  I don't really like telling Korean people that I'm adopted because I don't really know how they'll react and it's personal. But when I tell them, people usually aren't mean then and the ones that are feel bad for being assholes.

Been thinking a lot about what I wanna do about school as well.  Right now I'm having a good time out here and I don't really wanna leave.  I've been pondering the thought of maybe transfering from the U to Korea Univeristy to finish up my undergraduate studies.  A lotta mixed feelings right now as to what I wanna do vs. what I should do.  I had a meeting with the admissions people and they basically told me without saying it full out that if I want to transfer here I would be able to.  For a while I was 60% transfer and 40% go back home but now it's kinda 50/50.  The way I was kinda looking at it I stay out here another two years, become damn near close to fluent in Korean, get my undergrad here and then go back to the U to do the Masters ESL program.  My goal coming out here was to learn the language and culture and I have this feeling that by the time everything starts to click and I really get good at it I'll have to go back home where everyone speaks English and I won't have the opportunity to be emersed in the language.  I've talked to some Korean American friends that I've made here who work in the Office of International Affairs and one of them told me that yeah, go ahead and transfer because if I truly want to learn the language this would be the best way to go about it.  But then I talked to another guy and he said to go back home.  He said that graduating from a school in the states is better because of the quality of education.  He said something that I'll probably never forget, he said look at all these kids here, they'd kill for the chance us Korean Americans have to go to a school in the states.  So now I'm back to square one.  I still have some time, I won't make my decision until after this semester because I want to see where I'm at here and see how well things go here.

I've also been doing some research on my adoption since I've been out here.  Finally got in contact with the adoption agency yesterday and I put up my information on this find parent site and got a call from them.  I'm supposed to go in on Monday before my classes so they can do the rest of the paper work and get started on the search.   So I'm feeling pretty optomisic about that but I know I shouldn't set my hopes too high because there is no guarantee that they will be found and if they're found there's nothing that says they have to meet or talk to me.  But hoping for the best because my family name "Yum" is very rare in Korea.  It's not like Park, Kim, Lee, or Choi so that made me feel a little bit better.